Each issue of What's Trumps contains features such as Bidding Forum, Coming Events, a theory article, and something a little different, such as this bridge tribute to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
The Bridge Player's Guide to the Galaxy
This is the story of Arthur Dent and his bridge partner, Jack Singleton.
It is also the story of the planet Earth’s last bridge hands.
It is also the story of the planet Earth’s destruction.
And it is the story of that wholly remarkable book - more exotic than The Four Horsemen’s One-Over-One Method of Contract Bidding, more controversial than I Shot My Bridge Partner by Matthew Granovetter, more popular than More Popular Conventions by Randy Baron, and more profound than Norman de Villiers Hart’s philosophical blockbuster, The Quintessence of Control Asking Bids - yes, that wholly, completely remarkable book, The Bridgeplayer’s Guide to the Galaxy…
Chapter 1: Some Very Restricted Choices
It was a sunny spring morning but Arthur Dent’s lounge room was gloomy and so was the look on Arthur Dent’s face. The lounge room was gloomy because a bulldozer by the windows was blocking the sunlight. Arthur was gloomy because he was playing bridge or, more to the point, because if he lost, the other three players were going to bulldoze his house for excellent reasons that will be explained shortly.
Arthur glanced suspiciously at the bulldozer driver on his
right, more suspiciously at the Council foreman on his left, and most
suspiciously at his partner, the "sympathetic" Council worker who had suggested
a bridge game as the fairest method to determine whether or not to bulldoze his
house. This was the hand in front of him:
| North | ||
 86 |
||
 QJ
|
||
 7543
|
||
 87642
|
||
| West | East | |
|
J97
|
542
|
|
|
T987 |
AK543
|
|
|
QJT9
|
A863 |
|
|
AJ
|
T
|
|
| South | ||
|
AKQT3 |
||
|
62
|
||
|
K
|
||
|
KQ953
|
| WEST | NORTH | EAST | SOUTH |
| Foreman | Partner | Driver | Arthur |
| 1
|
|||
| Pass | Pass | 2 |
3 |
| 3 |
Pass |
4 |
All Pass |
Against the aggressive heart game, Arthur led his two top spades and then,
seeing his partner play high-low (8 then 6) to indicate a doubleton, he
confidently cashed a third round then switched to the
K.
Declarer won the ace and drew trumps then played a third round ending in
dummy. He now led the
Q as
if to finesse, but when North played low he paused for an instant then played
the ace, felling South’s king to bring home the contract.
Amidst declarer’s guffaws of laughter, Arthur muttered indignantly about the overwhelming odds in favour of the finesse and therefore against playing for a singleton king, then added: "A peek is as good as two finesses, they say."
An icy hush fell on the room as declarer’s guffaws were transformed into silence and a gripping stare. "A peek may be worth two finesses, but on this occasion a brain was as good as one finesse," he growled. "Accusing me of cheating is about as insulting as telling Osama bin Laden he is married to a whore. And," he added pointedly, "about as dangerous."
The moment’s awkward silence was broken when Dent’s partner said
respectfully: "Yes, Terry knew I had fewer than 6 points because I failed to
respond to your opening bid. When I showed up with the
QJ,
he would have known I could not have the
K as
well. You had to have that card, Dent - so the only hope was that you
held it singleton."
"Not much hope," admitted Terry the bulldozer driver, "but my only chance."
"Terry is as sharp as a scalpel with the cards," noted Dent’s partner.
"And as blunt as a sledgehammer with the bulldozer," added the foreman gratuitously.
To find out about the last bridge hand ever played on Earth, and to accompany Arthur on his intergalactic bridge adventures, join Trumps or subscribe to What's Trumps.
Click the spaceship to escape back to planet Earth